*from Morgan’s Tarot (Quite possibly the best non-Rider Waite based tarot deck that I’ve worked with)
I haven’t posted in awhile for many reasons, but the cause I would like to speak about is doubt. There are many reasons that I’ve experienced doubt as of late do to my zeal for Wicca fizzling out. I look at my first degree students and I experience so much envy. I wish that I still had that spark in my eye when it came to the Craft. I was a young whippersnapper when I first jumped feet first into the faith, and I remember the joy when I’d read a new book. I recall feeling ecstatic experience at random when outside and the wind would graze my skin in the right way.
I’m not that teenage girl anymore. Now I’m a mother, a priestess, and a teacher; I’ve been in a stalemate. If you read tarot, I’d be the Hanged Man. With my lack of enthusiasm for the Craft; it has led to a slight crisis of faith. My passion for ritual has dwindled, and I think that I’ve found the cause.
It sounds terrible to say what’s been the proverbial straw to toss me into crisis mode has been dealing with other Wiccans. When my adopted daughter died a year ago is when my passion for displays of faith began to dwindle. Slowly, but surely, grief began to interfere with my day to day life, and I became more agitated with people. Yes, I take personal responsibility for allowing anguish to eat me alive. However, I’ve lost my faith in people.
The open temple that I was a part of dissolved due to discord and a lack of communication between members. It was heartbreaking that something so beautiful could be dissolved by something so petty. I also feel disdain for the “playgans” that come into the shop, and are obviously (for lack of better terminology) poseurs.
I’ve lost all confidence in my fellow man, and this is a crisis to me. Inability to love others is an inability to love the Divine. After all, everything on the planet is a manifestation of Goddess. I have not once doubted that the divine has been there, but I have not been able to approach my fellow man with perfect love and perfect trust. I’ve been judging where I shouldn’t, and I haven’t been as accepting as I could be.
I want to change, and I have been working on doing so. As Mahatma Gandhi said “be the change that you want to see in the world.” I want to see the Divine in everything again, I want my zeal for the Craft back, and above all, I don’t want to be bitter. So far, I’ve been using my mala and doing rounds of meditation while at work, on the bus, when the baby is asleep, and before bed. (So much that I’ve lost my guru bead! EEK! I need a new one, but I can’t bring myself to part with this one!) I’m also about to color all 88 cards of my Morgan’s Tarot deck using only 4 colors; a Craft related task that I’m excited about!
I will let everyone know how things go once my life quiets down a bit more.